Anyone Fancy A Game Of Burglars....?

Dear Drop Dead Fred,

I implore you, make some mischief. Show up on set when no one is looking and sabotage the lot. How dare they, how very dare they sir! Your story does not need to be told again, it certainly doesn't need to be told by Russell Brand. No one cuts hair like you do, no one designs knitwear like you, there isn't a mud pie in the land finer then yours and as for comedy shovels in the face? Well you know how I feel about your skills in this matter.

See here's the thing that bugs me the most. You were an original, the most original of all the originals and once again instead of being inspired by you, instead of taking your philosophy and attitude, which is to go your own way, do your own thing, they just decide to remake you, instead of investing in, I don't know, say, an original! Heaven forbid there should be a production company out there willing to take a chance on a writer with a new idea that doesn't involve re-hashing brilliant old ideas, thereby giving this generation their Drop Dead Freds, their Ghostbusters and their Goonies.

So get your bag of tricks at the ready, press every button, sink every ship, perhaps a small game of burglars on set? I'll ensure the green pills are well hidden, now all you have to do is tell Snot face...

Yours sincerely,

7 Chances...

Dear Snow White,

We need to talk. Men who kiss you without your knowledge whilst you are sleeping are not the sort of men you should marry. Yes he's handsome, yes his name is Charming, but he took terrible advantage. In any other world a man kissing a drugged up girl would be arrested. He most certainly wouldn't be a Prince, I'm thinking footballer, check his credentials.

I realise you had a few issues with your parents, your lovely mum died, your father unable to cope by himself replaces her with a wicked step mother/very bored Queen. I mean really, when you're a Queen and you pass your time making knock off rohypnol to pass to younger prettier girls in the hope that your mirror will tell you you are the fairest, things aren't looking good for the kingdom. She also appears to be sampling her own wares, a talking mirror, step way from the apples...Not to mention she told the hunter to bring back your heart and liver as proof of your demise, you really need to have a word with your Dad. Disney made it sound sweeter, but really they weren't called The Brothers Grimm for nothing.

Anyway, I digress, I think you need to look inside yourself, I think you need to remember there were seven, count them, seven men, who took care of you the whole time you were knocked out. They took you in, they fed you, they protected you, they never copped a feel while you were sleeping. They may not be big in stature but I think their hearts speak for themselves...

Yours sincerely,

Comes Before The Fall...

Dear Pride,

I think we should spend less time together. You always get to go first at the expense of my other good friends, happiness and feelings. I love those guys! I mean don't get me wrong I really value you, you are a great friend, you are however, not my best one. I think it's good that we spend time together on matters of work, appearance and achievements etc... It's just sometimes I think if I wasn't quite so intent on not letting you down I would let go of stuff that doesn't matter a lot quicker.

The past week has been an exercise in that and happiness as a result is hanging out constantly, he showed up shortly after fun and the three of us are currently inseparable. I would still like to hang out from time to time, but losing face isn't so bad every once in a while and apparently having feelings is entirely normal and people don't even mind when you express them, even the bad ones, I know, incredible, right?

I hope you understand and I look forward to a more positive relationship in the future...

Yours sincerely,

Ha Ha Ha Ha...

Dear Belly,

At some point I will stop laughing and you will stop aching...

Yours sincerely,

Aye, Aye Captain...

Dear Fun,

How good it has been to see you. You showed up about a week ago, I thought it would be a short stay due to work commitments but in true fun style, you have said to hell with work and stuck around. You even brought sunshine, I can't remember the last time I saw him, but my, my, he's looking good. He's always so warm and brings out the best in all. It seems you are also a particularly contagious strain, you have touched everyone this week and not in a rude way, although who know what goes on behind closed doors.

Even today on our day off when we went fishing, you managed to make the sea calm, the breeze warm and the Captain cute as a button! Then for good measure when we came ashore, you threw in a three dozen sailors in full uniform and people say you should never gild the lily...I don't get to go home for another two weeks, so if you want to tag along, I have cleared a little corner of my case for you. I was going to have an early night tonight but now it seems Bette Midler is on the TV, more of your work no doubt. I look forward to tomorrow and I will do my best to keep up...

Yours sincerely,

Keeping It Crossed...

Dear Car Boot,

It's a day off, I am getting up at silly o clock, don't let me down...

Yours sincerely,

Shame On Me...

Dear Susan Boyle,

Thank you. Thank you for giving us, the cynical, judgmental viewing public, a much needed kick up the arse. I am not ashamed to say I cried, I thought you were lovely. I am ashamed to say when you walked on I rolled my eyes and prepared myself to laugh at another deluded wannabe making a fool of themselves in some misguided hunt for fame and fortune. I was wrong and I am so glad I was.

Our whole current culture of mocking those who have a very pure belief in their ability to do what makes them happy is a sorry state of affairs. I mean if someone loves to sing, bad or good, who am I to think ill of them for that? Granted, your case is different, you are an extraordinary talent, you just don't look they way we expect our talented ones to look. Is that because we have become so used to seeing those with no real talent, parade around in barely there outfits? Yes Paris Hilton, I'm talking to you. Is that what drives us? Is that what makes us forget that talent is about ability and the only visual that should count is the art, in whatever form that is delivered, as opposed to who forgot to wear knickers?

So Miss Boyle, not only did you sing beautifully, you put manners on me and for that, I thank you...

Yours sincerely,

I Was Looking Back At You, To See You Looking Back At Me...

Dear Mirror,

How many faces have looked in you before me? You must be at least 80 years old. That's a whole lot of history, that's a whole lot of style, that's a whole lot of laughter and tears and girls elbowing each other out of the way.

How many people that looked in you were unable to look themselves in the eye? Did you ever feel like slapping the ones who wouldn't stop looking, chastising them with a "don't you know it's rude to stare"? Have you ever laughed at the people who sing into their hair brushes whilst singing cheesy pop songs they would never confess to liking in real life?

Were you outraged at the ones who racked up line after line and never so much as took a duster to you afterwards? Or do you like to party hard? When you see the boy checking out his reflection and flexing his pecks is it possible not to giggle? What about the saucy folk, do they make you blush? Do you just see my outside or can you see my inside too? Have you ever seen someone so ugly that you just wanted to break? If I broke you, would you be so hard as to curse me with 7 years of bad luck or did someone make that up once because broken glass cuts? People see themselves in you but if you were to write down all you've seen, do you think you might run out of words?

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I was wondering, that's all...

Yours sincerely,

Where's Willy...?

Dear Spam,

Thank you so much for the constant barrage of emails offering me free Viagra to help with my, as you so charmingly put it, crippling impotence. I will have to politely decline on the basis of not being in possession of a penis...

Yours sincerely,

Satisfactual...

Dear Osteopath,

So I've been thinking, we should get married. I know, I know, this seems a little hasty, given we just met this morning but you have made me feel more amazing then any man has in a long time. You've already seen me in my underwear and you didn't even have to buy me dinner, plus I actually skipped back to my hotel. I'm not sure but there may have even been a bluebird on my shoulder. This after one date, eh, I mean appointment. Think it over, I make nice cakes...

Yours sincerely,

Ooompa, Ooompa...

Dear Easter Bunny,

Just so we're clear, all no sugar rules are off. I break them on Sunday, every last one of them. So whatever hotel, in whatever city I happen to be in, you hop your little buns right on over and drop off a few eggs. Although why I'm excited about a rabbit dropping off eggs is beyond me, you've either stolen them or had a little sexy time with a chicken... either way it's not looking good for you is it?

Anyway, I digress, your habits are your own, as long as you show up with the good stuff we'll be cool. I'll turn a blind eye to your transgressions and you in turn, leave me an egg so big I can sit in it. I'm using Augustus Gloop as a role model this weekend, I even like his high waisted shorts, I tell you he was misunderstood, if only he'd learned to swim...

Yours sincerely,

What's A Girl To Do....?

Dear Bat For Lashes,

You make me want to wax on, wax off, paint the fence and sand the floor. You make me want to ride a bmx with a gang of rabbits. You make me want to dance through the streets of London with a pretty feather head dress and a devil may care attitude. But most of all you make me want to download your new album....

Yours sincerely,

Summer Holiday...

Dear Miss Universe,

Stick to looking pretty, ssshhh not another word now, hush...

Yours sincerely,

Spring Has Sprung...

Dear Charity Shop,

Well you certainly welcomed me to London in style didn't you? What's that you want, a nice spring jacket? Why certainly Madam, how about this little number from Armani with a slight 80's twist that looks like it was made to measure? How about your straight up and down frame getting a little Jessica Rabbit in the middle? A nip nip, here, and a dart, dart, there, here a pleat, there a pleat, everywhere a waist, waist! How about we call it even at £22.50? Oh yeah, the smile, we throw in for free...

Yours sincerely,

Buzz...

Dear Electric Toothbrush,

I cannot take you anywhere. The shame of it, the absolute, mortifying shame of it. You may have thought it was funny to go off in my suitcase in the packed lobby of a very nice, very busy hotel. I found it not so amusing. Who knew a toothbrush could make such a whirr? Who knew a toothbrush could make a case shake so violently? Who knew that I could turn such a fetching shade of red as I scrambled to open my case prove to my laughing colleagues, that it was in fact an implement of oral hygiene that was causing such a commotion? It's not even the first time you've displayed such behaviour, one more incident and I'm switching to manual....

Yours sincerely,

Remember My Name...

Dear Fame,

Oh God, I just heard, I can't believe it, they've remade you. Now I don't want to seem narrow minded, trust me, there is no one, no one, who loves a dance movie more than me, with the exception of you and you know who you are and yes, we'll probably go see it together, but Fame, you are sacred. They have no business jazz handing you up with a load of over zealous songbirds, competing for a place in the Guinness book of records vocal aerobicising (yes I know it's not a word but lets just run with it) up and down the scales .

You, not to mention your spin off tv show, were an important part of my childhood, I wanted to be Coco so badly, no small achievement, please see previous letter in reference to dermis. Just once I wanted to do the flying splits like Leroy, I almost got there once only to balls up the landing and get two stitches in my lip, this would never have happened at Irish dancing...

Please don't let them destroy you, for God's sake, you could catch the moon in your hand, you couldn't get involved in pre-production? I'm going to have to go dig out my leg warmers...

Yours sincerely,

Is There A Doctor In The House...?

Dear Doctor,

I need help, a prescription doctor. I have a bad case of cabin fever. It's a really bad dose of Iwanttodomyownthingitis. No that is not a made up disease and yes the side effects appear to include lying...

I'm no medical professional, but it's acute. Let me list the symptoms, I have an inability to sit still in hotel rooms, I have a back that is missing my bed, I have a bottom that needs to sit on the chair by the window in my friends kitchen drinking tea, I would be drinking the tea, not my bottom, obviously. I have a hatred of every item of clothing in my suitcase, this I believe is what's fuelling the raging fever, overnight the seasons have changed and I am all wrapped up like a Christmas turkey. I have been wearing them for three weeks now and still have four to go. There is a small hole on the left side of my body, somewhere between my ribcage and shoulder, I think this might be where it is missing the daily doses of belly laughs administered by my friends. I am paler than usual, an achievement for one so Irish, my natural colour is blue, at the moment I am rocking a shade so pale that if you were to hold me up to the light, so transparent am I, you could use me as a filter. Blue, is but a distant fond memory.

What's that you say Doctor? Next week, three days off in a row in London? Why I'm feeling better already...

Yours sincerely,

A Little Etiquette Please...

Dear Cretin On Phone,

Thank you for jabbering incessantly on your phone for 40 minutes about petrol and brake pads whilst my colleague and I, who had worked a 14 hour day, were trying to decompress and read quietly. How astonishingly rude of you, yours is a face I would never get tired of punching...

Yours sincerely,