Is There A Doctor In The House...?

Dear Doctor,

I need help, a prescription doctor. I have a bad case of cabin fever. It's a really bad dose of Iwanttodomyownthingitis. No that is not a made up disease and yes the side effects appear to include lying...

I'm no medical professional, but it's acute. Let me list the symptoms, I have an inability to sit still in hotel rooms, I have a back that is missing my bed, I have a bottom that needs to sit on the chair by the window in my friends kitchen drinking tea, I would be drinking the tea, not my bottom, obviously. I have a hatred of every item of clothing in my suitcase, this I believe is what's fuelling the raging fever, overnight the seasons have changed and I am all wrapped up like a Christmas turkey. I have been wearing them for three weeks now and still have four to go. There is a small hole on the left side of my body, somewhere between my ribcage and shoulder, I think this might be where it is missing the daily doses of belly laughs administered by my friends. I am paler than usual, an achievement for one so Irish, my natural colour is blue, at the moment I am rocking a shade so pale that if you were to hold me up to the light, so transparent am I, you could use me as a filter. Blue, is but a distant fond memory.

What's that you say Doctor? Next week, three days off in a row in London? Why I'm feeling better already...

Yours sincerely,