Monday, November 29, 2010


Dear Cold Snap,

The children in the school yard opposite my house are not afraid of you and so they wear their coats like capes as somebody, somewhere, has to be Batman when Robin is in trouble. I am cold just looking at them and jealous that once upon a time, saving the world was so much more important than staying warm...

Yours sincerely,

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Shame, Shame, I Know Your Name...

Dear James Bond,

A double bill today on a snowy afternoon, with not even jet lag as an excuse, (can Belgium to England really qualify? I think not) reconfirms my massive affection for you. With your Jurassic, sexist, incorrigible bastardo ways and questionable hair pieces, yes you. All incarnations of you, except Timothy Dalton, he was far too politically correct for my taste.

Now, pat me on the bottom and tell me to run along like a good girl with my shameful crush, women died so I could vote. Oh Emily, I am sorry...

Yours sincerely,

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Scratch Yours...

Dear Friends (no inverted commas),

Sweetest, kindest, funniest, smartest bunch a girl could ask for. Just sayin'...

Yours sincerely,

Monday, November 15, 2010

Scratch Mine...

Dear "Friends",

Ask me for what you want but let's not dress it up as concern. Let's just come straight out with it, can I get you the thing you want? It's the most obvious way to get me to say yes.

Please don't ask me a bundle of other questions you have no desire to know the answer to, please don't fake concern, please don't pretend that after a few years of no contact you just wanted to see how I am, when, what you really wanted was a perk of my job. It's beyond insulting. I'm pretty smart, if you'd kept in touch you'd know that.

Yours sincerely,

Monday, November 08, 2010

Piggy Bank...

Dear Epiphany,

Now that sleep and I appear to not be on speaking terms I have to say am enjoying your company. The wee small hours have become a time for over thinking and amusement. Tonight's findings are so simple I can almost hear you laughing.

Bad boys are predictable, good boys are not.

Bad boys can be relied upon to not call when they say they will, not show up, be rude, take their moods out on you, play games with you and make you cry, therefore, predictable, furthermore, boring.

Good boys will make it their business call you, do what they say they will, be polite, explain their moods, play games with you if you're really lucky...and spend their time coming up with ways to surprise you, therefore, never a dull moment, furthermore, desirable.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up the penny I just dropped...

Yours sincerely,

Sunday, November 07, 2010


Dear Jet Lag,

Please stop devouring me. I have spent the last month working in America, fun times all round, but, in my absence, I fear you, my bed and my pillow have formed an unholy trinity. A sneaky alliance. What wicked whispers have you placed in the ear of my beloved pillow? What have you said to my bed for it to shun my embrace? Normally, you and I never hang out Jet Lag, until this point, you have always been relatively kind to me and so I fear I have upset you. Perhaps my fingers whipped you into a frenzy in order to return themselves to my oh so neglected keyboard.

I think the best thing about you is the wonderful conversations I have had with myself for four hours at a time in the middle of the night. I now know how to set the world to rights, can list all my flaws alphabetically, build a better mousetrap and at some point I may even start to unpack, although there hardly seems a point, we leave again in two more sleeps. Ah sleep, I remember you, unlike some of my previous lovers, you do your best work at night...

Yours sincerely,