Anyone Fancy A Game Of Burglars....?

Dear Drop Dead Fred,

I implore you, make some mischief. Show up on set when no one is looking and sabotage the lot. How dare they, how very dare they sir! Your story does not need to be told again, it certainly doesn't need to be told by Russell Brand. No one cuts hair like you do, no one designs knitwear like you, there isn't a mud pie in the land finer then yours and as for comedy shovels in the face? Well you know how I feel about your skills in this matter.

See here's the thing that bugs me the most. You were an original, the most original of all the originals and once again instead of being inspired by you, instead of taking your philosophy and attitude, which is to go your own way, do your own thing, they just decide to remake you, instead of investing in, I don't know, say, an original! Heaven forbid there should be a production company out there willing to take a chance on a writer with a new idea that doesn't involve re-hashing brilliant old ideas, thereby giving this generation their Drop Dead Freds, their Ghostbusters and their Goonies.

So get your bag of tricks at the ready, press every button, sink every ship, perhaps a small game of burglars on set? I'll ensure the green pills are well hidden, now all you have to do is tell Snot face...

Yours sincerely,