Dear Salt,
Pepa is going to the roller disco without you. Pepa will miss Salt...
Yours sincerely,
Friday, August 28, 2009
Two Legs Good, Eight Wheels Better...
Dear Roller Disco,
Finally we meet again. We haven’t been together since I was eight. They shut you down in Dublin and my heart hasn’t been the same since. It’s been a long time since I was eight, but some wounds take longer then others to heal, for example, the ones I am bound to inflict this weekend…I have often been described as clumsy, clumsy is a really nice way to say walking disaster.
Such is my desire to be in your company I am even attending a festival to be with you. Don’t get me wrong, festivals are lovely things, if you discount the smelly folk, the excess of poo and people who wear stupid hats, but a considerable chunk of my Summer is often spent at them in a work capacity, so the idea of going to one just for fun, well, when I say busman's, you say holiday.
I hear most people are bringing tents and wellies. I’m bringing a gold one piece and some lipgloss. Sometimes a girl just has to honour Patti and Donna. It’s the right thing to do….
Yours sincerely,
Finally we meet again. We haven’t been together since I was eight. They shut you down in Dublin and my heart hasn’t been the same since. It’s been a long time since I was eight, but some wounds take longer then others to heal, for example, the ones I am bound to inflict this weekend…I have often been described as clumsy, clumsy is a really nice way to say walking disaster.
Such is my desire to be in your company I am even attending a festival to be with you. Don’t get me wrong, festivals are lovely things, if you discount the smelly folk, the excess of poo and people who wear stupid hats, but a considerable chunk of my Summer is often spent at them in a work capacity, so the idea of going to one just for fun, well, when I say busman's, you say holiday.
I hear most people are bringing tents and wellies. I’m bringing a gold one piece and some lipgloss. Sometimes a girl just has to honour Patti and Donna. It’s the right thing to do….
Yours sincerely,
Monday, August 24, 2009
Seconds Away...
Dear Feelings,
Aren't you tired of being in charge? Don't you want to take a little rest and just let head take over for a bit? He knows it's for the best, he knows logic will win out, he can do a Rubik's Cube in under a minute, so honestly he'll find a way to get us back on the straight and narrow if you just let him run things for a while. He'll have us in bed by a decent hour, he'll have us up and busy and distracted in no time.
Feelings, I don't mean to be rude, but you're a bit of a bore. Always so melodramatic and making mountains out of molehills, we know this to be true, because a month or two from now, we'll be giggling over what all the fuss was over, if not giggling, at the very least we'll be bemused...
Head is chomping at the bit,
he's dying to gain control, he has all sorts of plans, first thing on his list is tackling procrastination. Once he's knocked him out I'm pretty sure inertia will follow quite quickly and once those two are out of the picture, that miserable little toad we know as sadness can't possibly stick around.
Go on feelings, just let go, you would if you loved me...
Yours sincerely,
Aren't you tired of being in charge? Don't you want to take a little rest and just let head take over for a bit? He knows it's for the best, he knows logic will win out, he can do a Rubik's Cube in under a minute, so honestly he'll find a way to get us back on the straight and narrow if you just let him run things for a while. He'll have us in bed by a decent hour, he'll have us up and busy and distracted in no time.
Feelings, I don't mean to be rude, but you're a bit of a bore. Always so melodramatic and making mountains out of molehills, we know this to be true, because a month or two from now, we'll be giggling over what all the fuss was over, if not giggling, at the very least we'll be bemused...
Head is chomping at the bit,
he's dying to gain control, he has all sorts of plans, first thing on his list is tackling procrastination. Once he's knocked him out I'm pretty sure inertia will follow quite quickly and once those two are out of the picture, that miserable little toad we know as sadness can't possibly stick around.Go on feelings, just let go, you would if you loved me...
Yours sincerely,
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tanning Is What You Do To Leather...
Dear Pool Party,
Do you expect me to be delighted, excited even, at being one of the chosen? Let me bust out a few home truths, pool party, in terms of lexicon, is up there with potato famine, these Irish eyes aren't smiling.
Despite a summer spent working abroad and one long hot week in New York, someone still ran at me today with a defibrillator in an attempt to warm me up a few shades, stat. So, how in holy hell am I to succeed in transforming this particular shade of corpse by Friday? That is, and I quote, two more sleeps. Bearing in mind dipping myself in wood stain is not an option, two coats of St Tropez in and I am now the colour of milk. Which your chloriney goodness shall see fit to strip quicker than a cheap hooker during happy hour. There is fear in my heart, no Jedi am I. Jesus, if only I were lucky enough to be the same shade as Yoda.
Still, there is comfort to be had, for example, the massive floor to ceiling windows in the restaurant that overlook the pool... The restaurant I shall be eating in afterwards. I can only hope my flesh will have so blinded all inside that the waitress will need a guide dog to bring me cocktails and that the patrons will use their breadsticks as a handy walking aid.
Pool Party? There's an oxymoron in there somewhere...
Yours sincerely,
Do you expect me to be delighted, excited even, at being one of the chosen? Let me bust out a few home truths, pool party, in terms of lexicon, is up there with potato famine, these Irish eyes aren't smiling.
Despite a summer spent working abroad and one long hot week in New York, someone still ran at me today with a defibrillator in an attempt to warm me up a few shades, stat. So, how in holy hell am I to succeed in transforming this particular shade of corpse by Friday? That is, and I quote, two more sleeps. Bearing in mind dipping myself in wood stain is not an option, two coats of St Tropez in and I am now the colour of milk. Which your chloriney goodness shall see fit to strip quicker than a cheap hooker during happy hour. There is fear in my heart, no Jedi am I. Jesus, if only I were lucky enough to be the same shade as Yoda.
Still, there is comfort to be had, for example, the massive floor to ceiling windows in the restaurant that overlook the pool... The restaurant I shall be eating in afterwards. I can only hope my flesh will have so blinded all inside that the waitress will need a guide dog to bring me cocktails and that the patrons will use their breadsticks as a handy walking aid.
Pool Party? There's an oxymoron in there somewhere...
Yours sincerely,
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Erase...
Dear Ting Tings,
I would like to put you in a box marked Katy Perry and return to sender. I do not care what your name is...
Yours sincerely,
I would like to put you in a box marked Katy Perry and return to sender. I do not care what your name is...
Yours sincerely,
Friday, August 14, 2009
Like A Magpie...
Dear Bank Balance,
What did you expect? We were in New York for God's sake!
I'm sorry I've put a rather large dent in you but for what it's worth the lapsed Catholic guilt that has such a firm stranglehold upon me now, is making it hard to draw breath. This should provide some comfort as breath is an important part of making movement possible, if I sit here suffocating long enough that means I shan't be able to make a trip to a cashpoint or shop for days...
Whilst I sit here though I shall look at all the lovely purchases you made possible. Yes, yes, I know stuff is not really what's important in life. I think the person who said that has never been to New York, I'm guessing they are sitting somewhere weaving a rather earnest looking blanket made out of yoghurt. Cleaning my new flat in my 1940's playsuit is bringing out the Suzy homemaker in me, it's almost pleasurable, I might even bake a pie. It's perfectly acceptable for me to wear a peacock feather headband whilst I do that, right?
Anyway I will replenish you shortly, we have a rather long work trip ahead of us which, like squirrels gathering nuts, should see us set for winter. Besides didn't you get a small thrill when the Bank Manager saw Balthazar on your statement? On the plus side, now that we can't afford to eat, how fierce (insert three clicks as necessary) are we gonna look in our new duds?
In the meantime, I'm just going to count to ten, I feel a real serious game of hide and seek about to start between us and our accountant....
Yours sincerely,
What did you expect? We were in New York for God's sake!
I'm sorry I've put a rather large dent in you but for what it's worth the lapsed Catholic guilt that has such a firm stranglehold upon me now, is making it hard to draw breath. This should provide some comfort as breath is an important part of making movement possible, if I sit here suffocating long enough that means I shan't be able to make a trip to a cashpoint or shop for days...Whilst I sit here though I shall look at all the lovely purchases you made possible. Yes, yes, I know stuff is not really what's important in life. I think the person who said that has never been to New York, I'm guessing they are sitting somewhere weaving a rather earnest looking blanket made out of yoghurt. Cleaning my new flat in my 1940's playsuit is bringing out the Suzy homemaker in me, it's almost pleasurable, I might even bake a pie. It's perfectly acceptable for me to wear a peacock feather headband whilst I do that, right?
Anyway I will replenish you shortly, we have a rather long work trip ahead of us which, like squirrels gathering nuts, should see us set for winter. Besides didn't you get a small thrill when the Bank Manager saw Balthazar on your statement? On the plus side, now that we can't afford to eat, how fierce (insert three clicks as necessary) are we gonna look in our new duds?
In the meantime, I'm just going to count to ten, I feel a real serious game of hide and seek about to start between us and our accountant....
Yours sincerely,
Thursday, August 13, 2009
And The Winner Is...
Dear Necessity,
You're the mother of invention? I think you'll find that's actually jet lag, he's pissed and he wants his title back...
Yours sincerely,
You're the mother of invention? I think you'll find that's actually jet lag, he's pissed and he wants his title back...
Yours sincerely,
It's Not A Big Deal...
Dear Sex,
I've been hanging out with you a long time. We occasionally fall out and go without seeing each other for a little while which invariably leads to frustration which almost always leads to bad choices. Some say necessity is the mother of invention, necessity is actually a close relative of desperation, who really is like the old Aunt you have to hang out with from time to time but no one really wants in their life. Anyway I digress, a bad habit of mine...
Lately I've seen a new side to you and you of me, and I like it. After a long period of perfectly pleasant, often unsatisfying, very polite and sometimes awkward exchanges, no really it's fine, I can finish myself off...We've finally met on common ground. In a world so big, I crossed his path, he crossed mine and although our time together was brief, it was busy. I've learned a lot about you and a lot about myself and whilst I was never passive nor a pillow princess, I was also never as brave as I should have been. For that I apologise.
The days of little white lies to make others feel better feel like a mean trick I have been playing on our relationship. It's an awful thing to stand in the way of learning. I have no desire to waste the time I spend with you in future, those days are gone and I look forward to future exchanges...
Yours sincerely,
I've been hanging out with you a long time. We occasionally fall out and go without seeing each other for a little while which invariably leads to frustration which almost always leads to bad choices. Some say necessity is the mother of invention, necessity is actually a close relative of desperation, who really is like the old Aunt you have to hang out with from time to time but no one really wants in their life. Anyway I digress, a bad habit of mine...
Lately I've seen a new side to you and you of me, and I like it. After a long period of perfectly pleasant, often unsatisfying, very polite and sometimes awkward exchanges, no really it's fine, I can finish myself off...We've finally met on common ground. In a world so big, I crossed his path, he crossed mine and although our time together was brief, it was busy. I've learned a lot about you and a lot about myself and whilst I was never passive nor a pillow princess, I was also never as brave as I should have been. For that I apologise.
The days of little white lies to make others feel better feel like a mean trick I have been playing on our relationship. It's an awful thing to stand in the way of learning. I have no desire to waste the time I spend with you in future, those days are gone and I look forward to future exchanges...
Yours sincerely,
Sweet Dreams...
Dear Jet Lag,
No one likes someone who wakes them constantly for shits and giggles. No one likes to think about things they shouldn't in the middle of the night when the rest of the world is sleeping. No one likes an imaginary finger poking them in the shoulder telling them to wake up, you've been asleep for almost six minutes. I say this to you as a friend.
I realise it must be desperately lonely in your world but if you could just see to it that I don't feel like I should be eating lunch when I should have been asleep three hours ago, I would love you forever. I would, truly, the kind of love that sends you flowers, buys you chocolate, tucks you in and covers you with kisses...One more incident and I'm reaching for the Valium...
Yours sincerely,
No one likes someone who wakes them constantly for shits and giggles. No one likes to think about things they shouldn't in the middle of the night when the rest of the world is sleeping. No one likes an imaginary finger poking them in the shoulder telling them to wake up, you've been asleep for almost six minutes. I say this to you as a friend.
I realise it must be desperately lonely in your world but if you could just see to it that I don't feel like I should be eating lunch when I should have been asleep three hours ago, I would love you forever. I would, truly, the kind of love that sends you flowers, buys you chocolate, tucks you in and covers you with kisses...One more incident and I'm reaching for the Valium...
Yours sincerely,
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