Thursday, August 20, 2009

Tanning Is What You Do To Leather...

Dear Pool Party,

Do you expect me to be delighted, excited even, at being one of the chosen? Let me bust out a few home truths, pool party, in terms of lexicon, is up there with potato famine, these Irish eyes aren't smiling.

Despite a summer spent working abroad and one long hot week in New York, someone still ran at me today with a defibrillator in an attempt to warm me up a few shades, stat. So, how in holy hell am I to succeed in transforming this particular shade of corpse by Friday? That is, and I quote, two more sleeps. Bearing in mind dipping myself in wood stain is not an option, two coats of St Tropez in and I am now the colour of milk. Which your chloriney goodness shall see fit to strip quicker than a cheap hooker during happy hour. There is fear in my heart, no Jedi am I. Jesus, if only I were lucky enough to be the same shade as Yoda.

Still, there is comfort to be had, for example, the massive floor to ceiling windows in the restaurant that overlook the pool... The restaurant I shall be eating in afterwards. I can only hope my flesh will have so blinded all inside that the waitress will need a guide dog to bring me cocktails and that the patrons will use their breadsticks as a handy walking aid.

Pool Party? There's an oxymoron in there somewhere...

Yours sincerely,


  1. I feel ya sister. I too am white as a ghost, bruise like a peach and burn faster than balsa wood. It is our fate. Forget the tan, revel in your porcelain skin and get all Julianne Moore on those muthas. You don't owe nobody a tan!

  2. I prefer to call it ... porcelain or alabaster

  3. DG - Genius! Every time I feel a flicker of self conscious behaviour, I shall think what would Julianne do?

    Lisa - Tres Chic!

    Loulou - Tee hee !

  4. Mostly, think that fatty-flab is a worse thing to show than paleness.

    Think Nicole Kidman. Tans are so bad for you. Or get the tanning goop if you must. Or find a friendly Topiary to accompany--next to Topiary's deep green you will look stunning!

    Just have fun and remember, most people are so concerned with themselves they don't notice other people anyway.


  5. wear a tee shirt that says "skin Cancer is FUN."

  6. On reading TC's comment my initial bemused pondering was... 'surely topiary in advance of any waterside event goes without saying?'... until I read on and realised her advice was going in a completely different direction.

  7. oh! this morning was grey and hard to start. but then i found you! i came through nath and dosfamily and did not know i was to stumble on such lovely words.
    you are hilarious!
    you made my day and i will be back for more.