What's The Beef...?

Dear Steak,

I didn't think you could have this power over me but I know you've seen me looking. It's strange, but for nigh on 14 years I have not eaten you at all. I haven't even wanted you. Not for me the teasings of your lesser cousins, bacon and sausages, there were no moments of weakness as everyone gathered at Christmas and doled out the turkey. You, you are the only one who can turn my head, and by turn, I mean I make that chick from the exorcist look like a total try hard wannabe head turner warming up for yoga. I was happy with my lot and I munched away happily on non meaty treats and only five years ago introduced my sea dwelling friends back onto my plate. But meat? No thank you. But Steak, you aren't even meat are you? It's like comparing a boy to a man? A peasant to a Princess? A - oh Jesus I could go on all day....

Basically, lately, lately I find myself staring at you steak. In a lascivious, wrap my lips around you and share you with no one kind of way. When you appear on the plate of a friend, I quash the evil impulse to knock out my dinner companion with a spade and when they come round tell them a careless waiter dropped a tray on their head. Yes, you may have thought it was me, but trust me, your concussed, severely, and possibly anaemic, here, lets order you another steak.... I think about when they excuse themselves for the bathroom about whether I could, a), finish their steak in that time and b), make it seem plausible that a giant wolf ran into the restaurant and ate their supper as they powdered their nose. I was of course rendered helpless as the rest of the pack had me surrounded. Funnily enough my aubergine parmigiana didn't seem to interest them, you know how fussy these wolves are, tricky little bastards too, sure remember the one who pretended to be the little girls granny? Lets count ourselves lucky...

I wonder where this urge has come from, why at this time has my inner cave woman risen from her slumber? I don't think I'm ready to consume you just yet, but you are on my mind, I just thought you should know...

Yours sincerely,