Dumped...

Dear Blog,

It's not you, it's me. You've waited patiently whilst I spent the Summer gallavanting here, there and everywhere, only to remain unrewarded when Autumn came knocking. The heady days of Summer took me over and I set about doing new things and somehow managed to ignore the one thing that makes me happiest of all. I have taken you for granted and been a bad blog friend. You should dump me, really, teach me a lesson.

I didn't mean to neglect you, it's just travel, romance, bbq's, that damn extra daylight got in the way. It would be days before I even noticed I hadn't checked in with you. I realised today how much I missed you, darkness hit at an unfeasibly early hour and you were the one I wanted to turn to. I hope you are still here for me my friend and that I haven't become so out of practice that we remain frosty, Winter can be cold enough.

I bought some nice fingerless gloves today, so chilly or not, my fingers have run out of excuses...

Yours sincerely,

Where's Da Flava...?

Dear Salt,

Pepa is going to the roller disco without you. Pepa will miss Salt...

Yours sincerely,

Two Legs Good, Eight Wheels Better...

Dear Roller Disco,

Finally we meet again. We haven’t been together since I was eight. They shut you down in Dublin and my heart hasn’t been the same since. It’s been a long time since I was eight, but some wounds take longer then others to heal, for example, the ones I am bound to inflict this weekend…I have often been described as clumsy, clumsy is a really nice way to say walking disaster.

Such is my desire to be in your company I am even attending a festival to be with you. Don’t get me wrong, festivals are lovely things, if you discount the smelly folk, the excess of poo and people who wear stupid hats, but a considerable chunk of my Summer is often spent at them in a work capacity, so the idea of going to one just for fun, well, when I say busman's, you say holiday.

I hear most people are bringing tents and wellies. I’m bringing a gold one piece and some lipgloss. Sometimes a girl just has to honour Patti and Donna. It’s the right thing to do….

Yours sincerely,

Seconds Away...

Dear Feelings,

Aren't you tired of being in charge? Don't you want to take a little rest and just let head take over for a bit? He knows it's for the best, he knows logic will win out, he can do a Rubik's Cube in under a minute, so honestly he'll find a way to get us back on the straight and narrow if you just let him run things for a while. He'll have us in bed by a decent hour, he'll have us up and busy and distracted in no time.

Feelings, I don't mean to be rude, but you're a bit of a bore. Always so melodramatic and making mountains out of molehills, we know this to be true, because a month or two from now, we'll be giggling over what all the fuss was over, if not giggling, at the very least we'll be bemused...

Head is chomping at the bit, he's dying to gain control, he has all sorts of plans, first thing on his list is tackling procrastination. Once he's knocked him out I'm pretty sure inertia will follow quite quickly and once those two are out of the picture, that miserable little toad we know as sadness can't possibly stick around.

Go on feelings, just let go, you would if you loved me...

Yours sincerely,

Tanning Is What You Do To Leather...

Dear Pool Party,

Do you expect me to be delighted, excited even, at being one of the chosen? Let me bust out a few home truths, pool party, in terms of lexicon, is up there with potato famine, these Irish eyes aren't smiling.

Despite a summer spent working abroad and one long hot week in New York, someone still ran at me today with a defibrillator in an attempt to warm me up a few shades, stat. So, how in holy hell am I to succeed in transforming this particular shade of corpse by Friday? That is, and I quote, two more sleeps. Bearing in mind dipping myself in wood stain is not an option, two coats of St Tropez in and I am now the colour of milk. Which your chloriney goodness shall see fit to strip quicker than a cheap hooker during happy hour. There is fear in my heart, no Jedi am I. Jesus, if only I were lucky enough to be the same shade as Yoda.

Still, there is comfort to be had, for example, the massive floor to ceiling windows in the restaurant that overlook the pool... The restaurant I shall be eating in afterwards. I can only hope my flesh will have so blinded all inside that the waitress will need a guide dog to bring me cocktails and that the patrons will use their breadsticks as a handy walking aid.

Pool Party? There's an oxymoron in there somewhere...

Yours sincerely,

Erase...

Dear Ting Tings,

I would like to put you in a box marked Katy Perry and return to sender. I do not care what your name is...

Yours sincerely,

Like A Magpie...

Dear Bank Balance,

What did you expect? We were in New York for God's sake! I'm sorry I've put a rather large dent in you but for what it's worth the lapsed Catholic guilt that has such a firm stranglehold upon me now, is making it hard to draw breath. This should provide some comfort as breath is an important part of making movement possible, if I sit here suffocating long enough that means I shan't be able to make a trip to a cashpoint or shop for days...

Whilst I sit here though I shall look at all the lovely purchases you made possible. Yes, yes, I know stuff is not really what's important in life. I think the person who said that has never been to New York, I'm guessing they are sitting somewhere weaving a rather earnest looking blanket made out of yoghurt. Cleaning my new flat in my 1940's playsuit is bringing out the Suzy homemaker in me, it's almost pleasurable, I might even bake a pie. It's perfectly acceptable for me to wear a peacock feather headband whilst I do that, right?

Anyway I will replenish you shortly, we have a rather long work trip ahead of us which, like squirrels gathering nuts, should see us set for winter. Besides didn't you get a small thrill when the Bank Manager saw Balthazar on your statement? On the plus side, now that we can't afford to eat, how fierce (insert three clicks as necessary) are we gonna look in our new duds?

In the meantime, I'm just going to count to ten, I feel a real serious game of hide and seek about to start between us and our accountant....


Yours sincerely,