Nipping At My Nose, Ears, Arms, Legs Etc...

Dear Jack Frost,

You little trickster. I thought I knew you, but you were only playing with me, weren't you? I mean, we have spent a lot of time together in the past. Those of us with a passport embossed with the world Ireland are familiar with the damper, more bone chilling, mother of God will I ever be warm again side of you, that you sprinkle from time to time upon my homeland. Now though, as I sit here on holiday in Portland, like all of the most interesting men, I see that you held a side back.

I find myself cursing you and dressed like an onion, which, I might add, greatly impedes ones sexual activity. There are only so many layers one can strip off before boredom or exhaustion sets in, my favourite being a combination of the two. Do you think I'm hot? Well let me just get these four top layers off, break off my frozen mittens, unlace my boots, wipe the ice from my eyeballs and then we get to the juicy stuff, my thermal underwear, all six layers of it...People say reproduction thrives upon weather like this, having to stay indoors so much. I really think it's more to do with the idea of putting anything on, be it made of latex or anything else, when the best part of three hours has been spent undressing. Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with sex in a cardigan, but maybe that's just me...

I wonder how you choose your targets Mr Frost, having just returned from a work trip around a positively mild Eastern Europe, what a waste of a beautiful fake fur bonnet, I do like a nice bonnet. You have chosen to summon your arctic powers and place them firmly upon my shoulders here in Portland. Indeed the natives feel the need to inform me that it is not usually this cold in an almost accusatory tone, like I had made you my travelling companion by choice. There was talk of burning me at the stake, or maybe there wasn't, it's hard to tell through the ear muffs.

Mr Frost, sweet kind Mr Frost, if you could find it in your frozen heart to warm up a degree of two for tomorrow so that my sightseeing takes me further than the emergency room/bonfire, I would be so grateful. Perhaps you could pay a wee visit to Eastern Europe, I hear it is unseasonably mild for this time of year...

Yours sincerely,