Saturday, March 07, 2009

You Have Been Served...

Dear Spider,

It's nothing personal, well actually it's fairly personal, I don't like you. I no longer want you in my house, consider this an eviction notice if you will. I'm sorry to do this just as the weather turns bad, but you appear to be getting bigger and under the terms of your lease, this is forbidden. When you first moved in, I did my best not to notice, but what with the constant web building and the growth spurt, this house ain't big enough for both of us.

The fact is, and believe me, I am aware at this point I will begin to sound like my father, I am the only one paying the rent, this, coupled with your flagrant disregard for the terms and conditions of our co-habitation, has left me with no other option.

You may argue, you eat flies, I appreciate this contribution, but to be fair, it's winter there are no flies, plus I don't eat flies, so it's not like you even have to share. Would it kill you to clean up after yourself once in a while? I think the final straw for me was when you entered my room the other day, up until that day, you had always respected my personal space and I in return did not flush you down the toilet. It begs the question, what next? Will I come home to find you smoking a fag, reading my diary, whilst wearing my underwear? You've stayed here long enough, out worn your welcome, you have eight legs, I suggest you use them...

Yours sincerely,


  1. YOU? are like the funniest person I know. You should publish your letters...unless you already do. And I THINK you better give a 30 day notice. Because otherwise he/she might take you on in Judge Judy's courtroom.

    Also? I've never heard of an only better check for cousins.

  2. I agree with peewee you should publish your letters cause your so freaking funny......mockalious. My mother sprayed a nest of spiders with javex one day and they turned white and then all dropped dead. So if the eviction notice dosen't work...well a spray bottle full of pure javex bleach or a bucket and your set.


  3. Pee wee, a spider's word is his bond, that and a 30 page legal document insisting on no when he came to live here, he started to wear one of those little bracelets, like homing pigeons....he loves jewellery, in fact, we often swap earrings...Thank you so much for your lovely comment about my letters.

  4. I love reading your entries. Always creative.

    I hope you kicked that spider to the curb. We also have one in residence each year - I'm scolded if I don't leave towels out and the light on for him each spring.

  5. Lisa - We're in negotiations, my solicitor has advised me not to discuss it until we have resolved our in the meantime he's under a pint glass and I'm trying to work up the courage to slide a piece of card under it in order to release him.....

  6. I love this post! And well done, you are very patient indeed, once I see a spider lodging in my flat I never enter into any lenghty discussions, pleadings or negotiations, it's the glass and a postcard and off you go onto the balcony


  7. This is funny! I love your style!

  8. How funny to learn that everybody else uses this method of a jar and stiff cardboard to relocate did we all figure it out? Perhaps we are born with this knowledge?

    Cow is glad that Letters is standing firm on the terms of the lease. Yes, spiders DO perform many heroic functions, including eating mosquitoes which carry disease....BUT!

    They can be perfectly comfortable outdoors.


  9. Ah, this was infinitely entertaining. I agree with The Topiary Cow, as I do believe that we are all innately taught the correct way to transport bugs. I assume other small species of... species are carried around this way, too. Probably.

    Also, I quite enjoyed the reference to your underwear. That issued a hearty laugh.

    I shall be stopping by again. Soon.

  10. Polly, if it wasn't for the contract, believe me, he'd have been gone weeks ago....

  11. Cow, How lovely is it that everyone is in favour of re-location as opposed to the death penalty? These comments are making my vegetarian heart sing!

  12. shelbyisms, glad you found my underwear entertaining!