One Way Or Another...

Dear Males,

Oh yes, it happened, the first casualty of the Spring season, I saw it, walking down the street, like a braying donkey in a field of stallions. Dear males, dear, sweet, sweet, males, there is never; read it again, never, an excuse to wear three quarter length trousers. This time of year sees them seep into the wardrobe of the sartorially challenged (please see footballers casual wear should a diagram be required). Still, at least it was paired with a tight fitting pale lemon t-shirt that gave him nipples not unlike a gobstopper…

I care not for the tribal tattoo caressing your shin, it offends my eyes and insults my very soul; Pamela Anderson has a tribal tattoo. The shin has not, nor will it ever be an erogenous zone, no woman ever threw her knickers in the air at the sight of a pair of three quarter length maharishi trousers. Hard to believe as it may be, an embroidered dragon snaking it’s way up your leg to rest it’s weary head on your left buttock, is the equivalent of hitting the female erection with a teaspoon. I cry foul, and when I say foul I mean why does the eye not pop out of the head so it may caressed with an eraser to remove the images that burn my retina so, a design fault indeed Monsieur Darwin. I am loathe to refer to them as trousers, trousers caress the ankle and frame a fabulous shoe, trousers tell me you mean business, trousers tell me you know your The Kooples from your K Mart, trousers tell me you will always remove your socks first so that I may be spared the sight of you in your drawers and socks. Drawers and socks, it ain’t no fish and chips in terms of lexicon. There’s a reason for this.

A three quarter length trouser always instills in me the fear of a formidable mother, for what grown man would pick these because he liked them? Are you there Norman, come in it’s me, Mrs. Bates, time to get dressed love, let me just take the hem up with my knife. I beg of you Dear Males, pick long or pick short, but stop with the in between, you can’t have it both ways and sometimes when you try, you just come off looking silly, like so many other things in life...

Yours sincerely,